Black
by Elizabeth Gordon
Summary: FINISHED Threepart fic Sequel to Fire and White, last in my Zigzag trilogy, Zigzag is now in camp greenlake and is into a heavy depression, suicidal even.
1. Blackness

« Sequel to fire and white, can be read independently. Disclaimer : Zigzag belongs to Louis Sachar, and the d-tent guys to. »  
  
Ok, this is a bit more like an actual story than the other two. And I think this one isin't as good as the others.though I think that White really gave the message I wanted to give.so its hard to represent something again. But yeah, tell me what you think, ill do the other 2 chaps of course but I really think White was better.  
  
* * *  
  
Black.  
  
It's all I'm aware of right now.  
  
During the night, all you see and feel is black.  
  
The cot I'm tossing and turning in is black.  
  
The sheets are black.  
  
The tent's canvas is black.  
  
The sky peeking through a gap in the tent is black.  
  
And it's spotted with white stars.  
  
How I'd love to be alone on a star right now.  
  
Alone.  
  
Peacefull.  
  
Dead.  
  
I'm so tired of living.  
  
Of continuing to pretend.  
  
When I first got here, I figured, well I might make friends.  
  
They don't know anything about my.situation as the others used to put it.  
  
And if they figure it out somehow.well whatever.  
  
They can't possibly make that big of a deal about it.  
  
I was all so damn positive.  
  
Now I'm just.there.  
  
Deppressed.  
  
Down.  
  
Just in plain Dispair over how my life is screwed up.  
  
I don't even care about all the bad stuff going on.  
  
I swear.  
  
I bully new kids.  
  
I'm cool.  
  
I'm all I ever wanted to be.  
  
And I hate it.  
  
I always hated them, and I had principles before.  
  
Sure I was paranoid.  
  
Sure I was obsesive compulsive.  
  
Sure I was pyromaniac.  
  
But I had values and reasons to live.  
  
I had to prove them wrong.  
  
To prove my value, then my innocence, then my sanity.  
  
Now my.my what?  
  
I dig holes all day for christ sake!  
  
I have absolutly NO greater purpose in life.  
  
I would die and nobody would give a damn!  
  
And I'm not that sure I wanna get out either.  
  
I mean.whats waiting for me Out There?  
  
Some fire here and there..lots of white?  
  
No not even.  
  
Nothing I know.  
  
I'm sure it's all just.black.  
  
Just plain'oll black.  
  
Everywhere.  
  
Always.  
  
To remind me that I'm Different, Different, Different.  
  
I would even welcome the white these days.  
  
I would welcome death.  
  
I should add deppression to my mental illness' list I suppose.  
  
Though I don't see the greater purpose in that either.  
  
There's no point in living.  
  
Nobody will miss me if I die.  
  
There's no point in claiming my innocence or sanity here.nobody cares anymore.  
  
They just dig holes.  
  
There's no point in dying. I mean.  
  
Sure it would be over.  
  
But.there's no real, lifeboosting and helpfull point to it.  
  
I mean of course there ain't nothing that's going to be added to my life because of it.  
  
I'd be dead.  
  
So there's just no point.  
  
.  
  
Different.  
  
Got to think of something else.  
  
Different.  
  
Something to make that voice shut up.  
  
Different.  
  
Just something!  
  
Different.  
  
Leave me alone! I don't care if I'm different! I don't care about anything anymore.  
  
Laughs.  
  
So it was them saying that.  
  
Well it explains why it didn't shut up.  
  
Maybe if I dug harder, I wouldn't be as insomniac.  
  
Maybe that's why Zero always digs so much.  
  
Ya probably.  
  
Hey a match.  
  
Light it.  
  
Don't light it.  
  
Light it.  
  
Don't light it.  
  
Light it.  
  
Nan.  
  
Hey I know why I gotta keep on.  
  
Because of the lizards.  
  
Ya!  
  
They're just like humans.they need food..company.shelter.  
  
Just like Kathy and Mom and Dad..  
  
They must sleep in the holes.  
  
Maybe they control us.  
  
Maybe they make us dig holes for them.  
  
Maybe.  
  
Sigh.  
  
I'm so damn pointless.  
  
Oh well.  
  
My goal in life will be from now on to dig shelters for little lizard familys.  
  
To congratulate myself I could light that match.  
  
And I did.  
  
It was so beautifull.  
  
So sad.  
  
So symbolic.  
  
The fire oppressed by the sight of the white and surrounded by the black.  
  
Me oppressed by the sight of such happiness around me and surrounded by despair.  
  
* * *  
  
Damn this sucks! Well, like it love it can't get enough of it? Be brave and review! 


	2. Bitterness

« Sequel to fire and white, can be read independently. Disclaimer : Zigzag belongs to Louis Sachar, and the d-tent guys to. »  
  
Now, while your reviews (spice of life, drowchild, beena-pani) really made me feel good about my last chapter, this one (chapter I mean) put me the hell down. First of all, I can't seem to be able to think up something without swears. Which really annoys me. And you gotta understand that I do not, but I mean Do Not control this story. It just comes out from the mood I'm in. And well.ya selfexplairy.  
  
Now.  
  
WARNING!!!! Character dissing here! Beware of the will of the Word processer! But I really come on on characters in this chapter, so I apologise if I make any of you sad, but come on. Caveman and X-ray? Wayyyyyy down in my respect. And this is ZIGZAGS THOUGHTS not mine. Just in case anybody hated me for this. And I really hate this fic. I despise it. But since some of you (for a reason known only by the review button) like it, I will write the last chapter. Expect it before the weekend.  
  
And I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm very proud of Fire and White, I just feel bad that I couldn't finish the trilogy properly. In here Zig is getting very.bitter? Ya thats the word. Bitter. He might get better.but warning! I'm seriously thinking of ending this with an AU. (alternate universe) because I just really dont want him getting out. Way to much writing material in that for one chapter. So yeah, be prepared for that possibility :)  
  
* * *  
  
It's getting worse.  
  
Everything I mean.  
  
The urge to see fire.it's incomprehensible to most people.  
  
And the insane fears to.same for the need to do, in appearence, inane things.  
  
The fears.I can deal.  
  
It's easy.  
  
You just lie to yourself.  
  
I say, well a meteorit can simply not fall on us for the simple reason that we are in a desert.  
  
Sounds like it lacks any remote sense?  
  
Well ya, so do I, but my subconscious seems to beleive it.  
  
Good for it.  
  
I don't really give a damn about my inner self.  
  
It is, after all, the little bitch that got me into this hell hole.  
  
God I've gotten vulgar.must be all the guys like.that here.  
  
By that I mean that actually have the right to be miserable.  
  
That have a decent reason to be in this place.  
  
That didn't just dream something up for attention.  
  
Just for attention.can it really be why I did it?  
  
It's what the counselor says.  
  
He's probably right.like the doctors were.  
  
No.  
  
Don't think about that.  
  
It was.four months ago.  
  
And I that match. in my second month here.  
  
March.  
  
How joyfull.  
  
Really.  
  
Right now.I must admit I'm not to badly off.  
  
Sure I have nightmares, but the boys don't notice me wake up in white panic, theyre to busy asking The human fish about his « allergies »  
  
I mean come on!  
  
Can't he suck it up?  
  
Sigh.  
  
I can't allow myself to think like that.  
  
He is allowed to feel guilty.  
  
He is allowed to be sad.  
  
I aint.  
  
Because I'm here because of only one person.  
  
Myself.  
  
Not my whatever-that-fat-moron-said great-whatever-grandfather.  
  
Gee, did he really find himself funny?  
  
I suppose he did.  
  
As the other boys did.  
  
They're all so imature.and ironicly enough, they all lived through more than me.  
  
Though.being wrongfully acused of being insane, by your own father on top of that, its not anything.  
  
It's not normal.  
  
But I'm not telling them that.  
  
I mean, our all-mighty boss would down me, with the agreement of everybody else to!  
  
X-ray.  
  
Ugh.  
  
Stupid nickname. Everybody knows he's just some loser who bumed out of school and took his own drug while reselling aspirin.  
  
And that nickname idea.  
  
Who in the hell of a world, would think of something moronic like that!  
  
I mean, come on!  
  
Get a life, XXXXX-Ray!  
  
And actually, now that I think of it, all of the boys here are pretty pathetic.  
  
There's Armpit, who for christ's bloody sake doesn't even wash and badtrips on « fishies »!  
  
There's Caveman, who is just some loser who didn't even do his crime.  
  
You'd think that would make him more sympathic to me.  
  
Wrong.  
  
He stole my right to selfpity.  
  
And he annoys me.  
  
To no end.  
  
Wannabes like him.they should just burn in heaven.  
  
And Squid.  
  
Well, he aint that bad.  
  
He actually has a personality.  
  
Yay to him.  
  
Zero and Magnet arent that bad.they actually have either true sadness to be here, which I consider humility, or are here because of principles.  
  
Principles.I used to have those.  
  
But they relied on nothing much sadly.  
  
On colour.  
  
And what room does colour have in a world of greys?  
  
* * *  
  
Review? With a lighted candle on top? :) 


	3. Hopelessness

Thanks to all my faithfull reviewers Drowchild, Spice of Life, Beena-Pani and HipHopMarmalade :)  
  
* * *  
  
Well here I am.  
  
I'm hiding into the one of the holes.  
  
I don't want to see the jealous looks.  
  
I don't want to see the hatred.  
  
I don't want to hear the fake happiness from my friends.  
  
I'm so happy for you.  
  
Wow you must be happy your getting out.  
  
Get to see the trees again hey?...  
  
The towns..  
  
Finally some activity hey Zig?  
  
And behind my back they act like everybody else.  
  
Jealous.  
  
Bitter.  
  
Black.  
  
I don't want to go back to the « real world ».  
  
I'm scared.  
  
I admit it.  
  
I feel like I just was born.like they want to make me do something to big for myself.  
  
Here, it was my small little world.  
  
There was nothing more than the camp and the holes.  
  
Here I was in my own little desert.and now strangely I don't want to see the oasis.  
  
Because to me it feels like the oasis itself is the desert ready to kill me.  
  
To suffocate me.  
  
To drown me in despair.  
  
And this camp was the oasis, it saved me.  
  
And now they want me to leave.  
  
I cannot leave.  
  
I won't make it.  
  
I'll die.  
  
Here there was no water.  
  
The fire was safe.  
  
Here there was no snow.  
  
The white couldnt get to me.  
  
Here there was always room for black things.  
  
At night.and I could see the stars.  
  
They were so blindingly white.and out of reach.  
  
If I cannot reach them they cannot reach me.  
  
Out There there you can't see the stars.  
  
Out There theres colours everywhere, so many of them you simply cannot bare to think about what they mean.  
  
So many different principles from different point of vues that you can't know what is good or bad.  
  
And theres mean people.white people.  
  
That kill children.  
  
That murder.  
  
Cheat.  
  
Steal.  
  
Kill.  
  
Out There, I know I will feel nothing except hopelessness.  
  
Because Just thinking of it here, even in this closed space I feel like the vast thing that awaits me will just swallow me whole.  
  
I'm scared.so scared.  
  
I feel so hopeless.  
  
Helpless.  
  
I can't go there.  
  
I can't let it happen.  
  
Kathy's dead..  
  
Oh my god she is.  
  
It's true..if it wasn't they wouldnt let me go out for her funeral.  
  
But if shes gone, I have to reason to live.no reason..  
  
There is no reason to live now.  
  
*I get up*  
  
There is no greater purpose in life  
  
*Fuel being pored into one of the countless holes surounding me*  
  
There are no colours.  
  
*A flame dancing by the horison*  
  
There's just me.  
  
*The hole the farest from camp alive with fire, burning at the edge of my life*  
  
All that light.it almost looks like a way to heaven.  
  
*People running, yelling, but they're to far*  
  
Now there's just me.just me and the fire.  
  
* * *  
  
Sigh. That finishes my trilogy.three three-part fics as I promised.  
  
I hope you guys like it :)  
  
There wont be more now.for real. Fire was spose to be alone but yessee.White just wrote itself like a dream.and Black finishes everything up quite nicely dont you think? I hope you all enjoyed reading and taking in the different possibilities for what certain things meant. So Karine Black salutes you all and will now go be sorrowfull elsewhere ;)  
  
Review? 


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